Bar Mitzvah Planning: From the Heart and on a Budget

-----More is NOT always better!!

With 3 sons, that’s more Bar Mitzvahs to plan than the average family. How to make each one unique? How to afford 3? We found that identifying what’s right for our family combined with the adherence of a conservative, yet doable budget has made all the difference—and made for some of the best family events!

As background, our oldest son, Sam, had his Bar Mitzvah in 2004, our first and the first of 13 grandchildren. We felt certain obligations, such as accommodating relatives who are observant Jews and therefore don’t drive on Friday night or Saturday and who need kosher meals. While we were pleased to do this, it dictated many of the details of the event. However, it was a lovely event and we were so proud of Sam.

 Only a few months later it was time to start planning for son number 2, Harry. The date was set for March 26, 2005 (Purim). With all "obligations" having been met at Sam’s Bar Mitzvah, we declared that Harry’s was going to be OURS—we would do what was comfortable for our family and of course, Harry. Additionally, we budgeted exactly half the amount we’d spent on Sam’s. Our budget was $10,000, and we live in Westport, CT where it’s common to see events like this at three times that amount! We did it our way, and it was the BEST! Here’s how we did it:

First, we thought about Harry’s personality. He has long curly hair, a cherub face, beautiful blue eyes and is an avid skateboarder. He pretty much marches to his own drum. This gave us “permission” to create an original Bar Mitzvah celebration.

Next, we thought about the type of party we wanted. It was a no-brainer—warm, loving, no frills, and completely from the heart. We wanted to celebrate the purity of Harry’s accomplishment without excess, like my Bat Mitzvah and my husband Josh’s Bar Mitzvah, with simple, delicious Jewish kosher foods, like bagels and lox. We were determined to turn back the clock!

Being entrepreneurs, we knew that there was plenty that we could do ourselves. We vowed to question every current Bar/Bat Mitzvah planning mode:

-Need a party planner? "No"--we felt we could tackle this on our own.

-A DJ was a given, but other entertainment as well? "NO"--again, not necessary. If the DJ did a good enough job with the music and games, then everyone would be involved.

-Need party favors? Nice, but not necessary. (We assigned some of the younger guests to pass out bags of hamentashen as people left the sanctuary.).

-Expensive invitations? With help from a website, we made them ourselves. Harry’s school picture happened to be perfect, showing off his smile, eyes and curls and conveying his sweet nature. I searched online for “Bar Mitzvah invitations” and found plenty of choices for simple Bar Mitzvah invitations and appropriate text. In Microsoft Publisher, I set up the invitation, added the scanned photo, and placed the text. Josh printed them on our color printer with card stock and envelopes we bought from an online stationary website.

At our house, following the morning service, we had a buffet lunch for the adults. We served lox (from Costco), bagels (H&H), cream cheese and white fish. Again, just like the old days, I asked my mother and various friends to do some cooking and baking. We brought out our Jewish recipes and between us we made challah, noodle pudding, quiche, salad, coffee cakes and rugelach. My company, Challah Connection also supplied rugelach, hamentashen and black and white cookies. The food was delicious and so appreciated for what is was—home cooked, traditional  food! We had a wonderful Klezmer band that filled the house with sounds from our Jewish heritage and from a different era. (It was especially meaningful to us since Josh and I had a Klezmer band at our wedding.) We accommodated everyone by clearing out all of the furniture in the entire downstairs (this was a big job) and renting tables and chairs. A very worthwhile expense was a hiring parking valet.

That night, we had a kids-only party at a very cool and funky place called The Acoustic Café, just 20 minutes from Westport. Its intimate size and our fabulous DJ kept all 50 kids on the floor dancing and having a great time. (What really helped was that the Cafe was very small, which forced everyone to be together having fun and made it impossible for any wandering off.) We served pizza, which was hardly touched, and kids ordered soda at the bar. Dress was jeans—and that was a huge hit!

It’s now two years later and Harry’s friends still talk about his Bar Mitzvah. Not only did they love it, but we all did. It was down to earth and meaningful. It was another lesson illustrating that more is not always better. Here are some helpful hints in planning your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

 Jane’s 10 Tips

What kind of celebration is right for YOU? Consider your child’s personality and the kind of event that will be meaningful, fun and make lasting memories. Of course you will have to consider some factors such as: What time of day is the service and party? How many guests need be invited? What is the adult/child ratio? Will it be a kids’ only party or will it be kids and adults at one party? Will you have a luncheon after the service for adults and a separate party of the kids later? How many might come from out of town?

Most important: Remember to take into account what is best for you and your family. Don’t compete with others in your town or try to match what others have done. Don’t spend money that you don’t want to spend or don’t have. Think about what’s right for you and hold on to that vision as you go through the entire process.

The Budget-Make One and Stick To It. Use a Microsoft Excel worksheet to help you keep track of every single expense. Be prepared to say "no" if your budget can’t accommodate it. If your child asks for things that you don't want or can't afford, don't be afraid to say "NO!" Question every single expense and ask yourself if that is a reasonable amount. If it seems high, it probably is. Go back and brainstorm a more cost effective way to achieve the same result.

Stay Organized. I can’t stress this one enough! Make detailed lists and keep a good calendar of deadlines. Don’t hesitate to make reminder/check-in calls to those you’ve hired.

Capturing the Day. Will you hire a photographer? If you want to save money but don’t want to impose on someone you know, try your local newspaper photographers, Craigslist, or call your local high school that may offer photography classes. The teacher (who may be interested in earning some extra $) may be happy to let the class know that there is a potential job. Hiring a videographer is popular now. Only hire one if you really think you will watch the video now and in the future.

Party Venue. Anybody can rent out the most popular (and expensive) party place. My recommendation is to think CREATIVELY about where to have the party. If you split the celebration into 2 parties you will have more flexibility as to where they are held since you'll have 2 smaller groups. Please also know that most kids don't like dressing up, so the notion of a fancy party is somewhat wasted on them. Most important is that the kids are in a safe and fun environment. It's not about the place, but rather the feeling in the place.

Themes and pricey party favors are not mandatory, so don’t get caught up in those details. (Think: Did I have a theme for my Bar or Bat Mitzvah? Probably not.) And if your son or daughter does not love to dance, your DJ can include more fun games and contests and group dancing and focus a little less on free dance time.

Decorations. A party planner is a luxury, not a necessity. If you do hire one, just be sure you think she’ll be a pleasure to work with, that his/her taste is similar to yours and that she’ll stay within your budget—graciously. And, decorations can be simple, inexpensive and homemade, and still make the statement you’re looking for. Search the web to find tons of decorating ideas.

Flowers are beautiful, but costly. Sometimes just one arrangement situated strategically can do the job. Centerpieces don’t have to be flowers. They can be fun, colorful items arranged on the table, balloons, items to be donated later or even fruit.

Guest list and invitations.  Your list will certainly impact your budget. You may have to adjust your list, or adjust the celebration to keep within your budget. Your guest list is yours, and unfortunately you can’t always include everyone. Be prepared to have some delicate chats with parents, in-laws, family members and your child.

Invitations can be mailed six to eight weeks in advance. There are many computer-ready invitations available online that help keep costs down. They can be beautiful, printed right from your home printer. Or, of course, many people are now emailing invitations. If that's easier for you, why not?

Clothing. I’ve seen many a mom get crazy over clothing, but it’s not necessary! You want to look beautiful, and you will because you’ll be glowing with pride. A $1,000 dress is not going to be the reason. Find something you love in your closet, or get something new, but you’ll only feel better staying within your budget.

Question, question, question. Throughout the planning process keep in touch with your original vision for the event. Make sure that you're staying the course. When you get an estimate from a vendor, question whether you definitely need that service as well as the price being quoted. Vendors don't mind revising estimates. They are here to please you. You're the boss--so ask for what you need and nothing more or less!

Don’t Sweat It. In the end, be confident knowing that your party will be a smashing success! Once the service begins take a deep breath and relax. Even the best planned events have last minute “surprises.” Deal with anything unexpected with grace, and chances are you will be the only one who knows.

Jane Moritz is mother of 3 sons, living in Westport, CT. She is also owner of Challah Connection, an online retailer of kosher gift baskets and kosher baked goods for all Jewish events including B’nai Mitzvah, Weddings, Bris, Baby Naming and Shiva.